Buying a product is more than just plunking your money down. It’s also getting the products into your hands. If you buy straight from us, then how we get that product to you matters to you – and us! So here’s what we do, within one business day of receiving your order.
First, when you order, we do a little happy dance as we have another fan (or a returning addict) buy something from us, typically accompanied with a hearty team shout out of your name, and occasionally a corporate hefting of a shot of a fine single malt. On heavy sales days, yes – there are lots of taxis taking people home at night.
From there, our team of Certified Order Processing Specialists examine each and every line of your order for errors or any discrepancies. If any concern or confusion is detected, our COPS will reach out to you swiftly and with all respect to ask for clarification such that we may complete your instructions as quickly as possible.
That information is then turned over to the Document Inspection Creation Staff who lovingly transcribe your details into the appropriate fields of our shipping software, quality checked and double-checked with each other to make sure each and every letter of your name and address are properly recorded with complete accuracy. Only then will the DICS create a hand-crafted, USA-sourced thermal label, each and every micro-dot of marking applied with a precision thermal impression machine, generated so as to guarantee swift and speedy delivery to you.
The label is then – with full pomp and circumstance – marched into our hallowed ground – our assembly and warehouse chamber. There, the Wizards In Manufacturing and Processing Systems examine the orders contained on the label, which lists not only your name (which is softly chanted during this process, by a dozen cherubic souls) but what was ordered. The WIMPS will commit the order to memory, then move swiftly amongst the indexed and ordered shelves of our inner sanctum to select – with all seriousness and solemnity – your individual product.
This product is brought back to the master distribution table, handled with velvet-lined ostrich-skin gloves, and the WIMPS will carefully – under the watchful eye of Master Boxmakers – place your product securely into a Government-backed structural container. This container was engineered with precision to the highest of US Postal Service standards, by a narrow list of approved vendors qualified to provide the highest quality products possible. Only then is the near-calligraphic-quality label precisely aligned and secured to the container with an adhesive of such strength Hercules himself would be found wanting to remove it.
Once daily an esteemed member of the United States Postal Service knocks at the gates to our realm and collects all prepared packages, and with a baleful stare and hand on heart pledges to speed delivery of all prepared packages to the eager recipients. Delivery by these most revered guardians of all things Federally mailed is typically within 3 days for the continental US, 5 days for Hawaii and Alaska, and up to 12 days for International orders.
It is your solemn and sworn duty to ensure that your country of reception of this package is accepting such deliveries, and is not shut down for a wide variety of reasons. Whilst we do have a score of gnomish scribes scrying across scrolls of shipping status for countries, we do not guarantee they are always correct - they like to drink a bit too much beer.
The exception to this policy is for our fans in the far distant land of Russia. There, due to import restrictions as established by that nation, we must first ship your order to an intermediary in the US, who will receive your package, and then deliver it to you directly as they are authorized by the Government of Russia to perform such arcane and solemn rituals. Typical delivery time is 3 days to this intermediary, and approximately 15 days thereafter for delivery to the individual who started the process.
We have a liberal returns policy, as befitting a company supremely confident in the perfect execution of its tasks. This policy allows you to thoroughly enjoy your purchase of our products for up to 30 days. And if you incorrectly decide these are not the greatest thing you have ever experienced up to and including the day of your birth, then you may, tragically, return your product.
How to return the product? It’s really not complicated. E-mail our support staff or use our contact form. You’ll need to request a Return Authorization Code. Don’t worry, we won’t snicker and make snide comments in front of you when you ask for that. But we will generate a code that will forever brand you as one not quite worthy of the greatness of our products.
Once you receive the code, please take the product (including any and all accessories) that you – obviously in error – decided wasn’t up to your standards, and return it to:
Periodic Audio Inc.
4882 McGrath Street #100
Ventura, CA 93003
Include your Return Authorization Code on the outside of the package, too. That way we can put your item in the pile of people we’ll tut and chuckle about. We pledge to examine your product within one business day of receipt, because we get like one of these a month – which should again amplify the magnitude of your poor actions.
Once your returned item is opened, examined, and found to be in working order with all parts accounted for, we’ll credit your account – typically within two business days. You’ll be notified of the error of your ways by our storefront sending you a credit notice e-mail. It will not mock you too unmercilessly.
As you move forward with your hollowed out life, realizing you made a dreadful mistake in sending back perhaps the finest precision audio device Known To Man, please remember that we don’t have long memories. We’re forgiving people, so when you come to your senses and rectify your transgression by ordering again in the future, we’ll take you back into our circle of trust and welcome you as one of the enlightened.
Oh, and we have one exception to this policy. The only thing excluded from this policy are our Hydrogen products. Due to the nature of those product (earbuds), we cannot accept returns as that is, well, just icky. Who wants to reuse earbuds? Gross. Just – gross. So we’re not going there, m’kay?